Captain Oblivious

No, not that kind of Notes...

I've been struggling with my depression lately.  I had to postpone an article for The View and I withdrew as a speaker from The View's Admin/Developer 2009 in Boston.  I haven't blogged much, either about technology or about politics (even though I'm thrilled with President Obama).  I haven't written any cool, new code using the techniques I learned at Lotusphere.  I haven't done a lot of things.  Since this disease (I call it The Black Beast) is preventing me from writing about anything else, I decided to write about it. 

Note:  I've mentioned this before (here), so if you've been reading this blog for long you shouldn't be surprised to hear about it.  You also shouldn't be surprised to hear that I'm not interested in sympathy.  Lots of people have things much tougher than I do.  Everyone who has lost their job deserves your sympathy.  Starving children deserve your sympathy.  People wounded or those who lost family members in war deserve your sympathy.  In the larger scheme of things, I'm not doing badly at all. 

Depression is one of those annoying diseases that behave differently in different people.  Worse, you can't see it and you can't test for it.  So part of the problem for depressed people is explaining what is wrong.  Some of the symptoms tend to be consistent, but the details are not reliably predictable.  Ordinary (read: non-depressed people who are not medical professionals) expect depression to involve sadness.  Sometimes it does.  But often it does not.  I can't describe what it's like for other people, but I'll write down the ways it affects me.  Maybe it will help someone deal with the depressed person in their lives.

1.  First, yes, it IS difficult to get out of bed in the morning.  No, I'm NOT being lazy and just sleeping in.  First, I'm probably tired.  When I'm depressed, I tend to be tired more often than not.  Paradoxically, I also have a lot of trouble sleeping.  You may have noticed that this can easily become an infinite loop.  But the trouble getting out of bed is about more than exhaustion, because it applies even when I'm well rested.  Why is it hard to get out of bed?  Because everything I can think of that might happen once I do is either meaningless or negative.  Which leads me to point number two:

2.  When I'm depressed, it's impossible to summon enthusiasm for anything.  I become extremely apathetic.  Oddly, this doesn't apply to problems, glitches, and issues that come up.  Rather than not caring about those, I overreact to them enormously.  The most minor issue becomes and absolute road block.  Any difficulty I can imagine becomes an irrefutable reason to avoid doing something. 

Aside:  How apathetic do I get?  Sometimes I stop reading books because I can't get interested in any of them.  Usually when that happens, I go back to a book I've enjoyed in the past and use the memories to brighten my day a bit.  Sometimes that doesn't work, though, and I just avoid starting any books. Now, I LOVE reading.  So allow me to point out one little fallacy in public perceptions of depressed people, which is that we manage to do the things we really like while avoiding the things we don't like.  The fact is, we avoid everything we possibly can.

3.  I get angry too easily when I'm struggling with this.  Over the years, I've learned to recognize this, and I can usually keep other people from noticing.  I don't actually get into huge fights with people, but it's emotionally draining to walk around full of anger. 

4.  I can't initiate anything.  Or create anything.  I can't write.  I can't program.  I can't be creative.  I can hear the question now, so let me answer it.  This isn't writing.  This is therapy.  I can write an email.  I can write a paragraph.  I can't write a whole article.  I can't create a presentation.  I can't make myself do anything that useful.

5.  I can respond.  I can troubleshoot.  I can answer questions.  I can solve problems.  I can comment on other blogs.  I can read Skype chats, but I'm unlikely to say anything.  Same goes for Twitter or Facebook or ... 

6.  There are some physical sensations associated with this, at least for me.  I feel a heavy weight on my chest (no, it's not a heart attack...).  My head feels thick and stuffy.  Mentally, I feel slow. 

7.  I'm not suicidal.  I have been in the past (once), so I'm not immune, but I've been depressed several dozen times over 20 years without it happening.  Nobody understands why people kill themselves, so let me try to explain it.  It's not supposed to make sense.  It's not rational, because the person in question has lost their ability to reason coherently.  I can tell you that, in my one instance, suicidal feelings stemmed from a perception of being trapped, that there was no way out of the misery I was feeling.  I can also tell you that I was, of course, not trapped in any way.  It's not reasonable, rational, or logical in any way.  Don't expect to understand it unless you're in the midst of it.  But know that there isn't something these people just don't understand about the importance of life.  They understand, but they don't care.  But my real point is that plenty of people who are NOT suicidal are depressed.  Being depressed does not automatically mean you are a danger to yourself (or others).  Every person is unique, no?

8.  Is anything exempt from my depression?  So far, my daughter is.  She essentially acts like depression kryptonite.  She doesn't cure the depression miraculously, but her presence pushes it into the background somehow.  Maybe she's so important that she doesn't need to go through the 'is this important' filter that the rest of the universe goes through?  Dunno, but I'm extremely happy that it works that way.  No kid should have to worry about their parents' issues - that's why we're the grownups. 

9.  What can I do to make it better?  Sometimes, reading old favorites helps.  It definitely helps to find small tasks that I can still accomplish.  Getting something done helps quite a bit.  Conversely, having a bunch of things you're supposed to do and making absolutely no progress on them makes things much worse.  Music can help.  Paradoxically, both being left alone AND getting out of the house can help, though in different ways.  Chocolate and caffeine help.  Sunshine helps a bit, but depressed people aren't likely to go looking for it. 

10.  What can YOU do to make it better?  Not much, I'm afraid.  Which annoys The Doctor quite a bit.  It would be nice if more people understood what depression really is, so that you could tell someone you're clinically depressed and not have them ask why you're sad.  Admittedly, it's a REALLY stupid name for the disorder. 

11.  I know I don't LOOK depressed.  I also don't LOOK anxious, even though I also have anxiety and I'm terrified by speaking in public.  I told you, you can't see it. 

That last one was mostly added so that this list could "go to eleven."  I trust my geeky readers (all 7 of you) got the reference?